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newerarticles/Tribune7.TXT Having worries about what to get your kids, girlfriends, grandchildren, and other general loved ones, for Christmas? No need to fear, since I have all your shopping tips you need right here in this easy to read, sub-800 word article! Just sit down, cut this article out, and start reading as you drive your way to your nearest local place of shopping!
Actually, wait on driving to your shopping place. Before you go, you have to be prepared for your shopping trip. Though that may sound easy–”Have gas in the car, keys in the right hand and charge-card in the left”–it’s not. To really be able to get the right gifts you want for the signifigant people in your life, you have to be organized, as well as being both physically and mentally prepared. To help you get through these three hard stages of shopping, I’ve listed the steps you’ll probably have to take.
Step #1: Get a list of gifts your friends and relatives would like.
Step #2: Quickly tear the list up and let an animal eat it up. I know you think the people you’re shopping for have horrible taste, so not having a list to go by will make it that much easier for you to talk to them after you’ve given them a gift they didn’t really want.
Step #3: Start getting in shape weeks in advance of Thanksgiving. Official X-Mas buying season begins right after Turkey Day, and you’ll have to start building muscle to get to the store and grab that toy that your kids “just couldn’t live without.” Uh huh...
Step #4: Before you even step out the door of your house towards your store, recite an oath to yourself before you go:
I, (Your name here) , do solemny...no wait...sonemly....aaagh! Okay, okay...I, (your name here) do solemly swear to purchase products I think will carry the thoughts and ideals I would like to distribute during the Christmas season. This means that I cannot and will not buy anything that is in anyway related to the Spice Girls, Microsoft, and anything else I deem evil. I will also, if necessary, go beyond the call of duty to purchase an item that is in limited quantity and that is being auctioned on the internet for insane prices.
Okay! Now that you’re prepared to go shopping, put on your running shoes and head down to your local store. Although some people like spending lots of time picking out just the perfect gift for that special someone, many people just want to run into the store, grab whatever it is we’re looking for, and get out of there as fast as humanly possible. Christmas shopping is a madhouse, and some people just don’t like the stress it creates.
So to help you in your Christmas gift buying quest, here are some ideas of real gifts that you could order for people. None of these are made up, all are real, and all are pretty darn strange!
First on my list of must-have items is something for the kids. You’ve probably heard a lot about them recently, and I have to admit that they really kinda freaked me out the first time I saw them! Though you may think that I’m talking about the election promises we’ve all found out to be false, I’m actually talking about the Teletubbies . What they appear to be are sun gods that were worshipped by the ancient Mayans, but are now revamped for modern times and are trying to succumb children as their first worshippers.
The second thing that should be on your “to get” list is a fiber optic christmas tree, available from . Fiber optic tree? Well, in a chestnut-shell (heh heh heh...) , this is a tree that has strands of fiber optic wiring that changes color when it’s plugged into a wall. Yes, this is what everyone wants. Why spend your money on a beautiful real tree, when you can have a tree that doesn’t look real close up or far away!
Everyone has someone on their list who has absolutely everything. For these have-it-alls, you could pick up a few different things they may not have thought of. A stray cat, for example, is always a great gift. Not only will the cat get a home, but the owner will be forced to thank you in front of all his or her friends for this unexpected gift. Of course, if you want to really be a hit with your friend, let them have the honor of taking the cat to get its shots! (Note: I strongly discourage this, since I was only joking!)
Of course, if you’d really like to make this Christmas happy for some people, do something that won’t just benefit people who you know already have good lives. I encourage everyone who doesn’t have a shortage of money to go out and donate some of your resources to charity. Who knows, donating just a few bucks will save someone from going hungry during this winter! Having trouble trying to think of charities to donate to? Places such as the Salvation Army and the Ruth Meiers House would all appreciate your time. For those who don’t have time to give away (and who does nowadays?) , a monetary donation would be very nice. Merry Christmas to you, and a very happy new year!
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Karl
Becker, the author of all these articles, uses New
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